love letter.

okay so this is my first attempt to write a love letter to my loved ones. how do I start? say my full name? well nevermind— I'll just say what I want.

I'm yasmin. an eighteen year old girl who's somehow, always burdening your life. I'm pretty sure you know me better than I know myself. I was born on april 27th 1998 at around 5.43 in the morning. I came into this cruel world without knowing you would be this special to me. I've never imagine my life without you. you are simply, my everything. without you, I might not even exist to all of the people I know now. you're the reason I could survive and thankful for, everytime I wake up in the morning.

I love you, and I hope you know that. it was never my intention to hurt you each time I made mistakes cause honey, trust me— I never wanted to do it at the first place. I really don't wanna make an excuse but being a human, I'm full of flaws. I disappoint you, I make you cry, I make you worry, I... um there are just too many I can't even mention it.

I love you, to the point that I don't wanna see you in trouble. trouble that I've created myself. trouble that'll be just fine if it were only me who gets the after effect. trouble that everyone would say things about it. trouble that could ruin your life. I'm terrified to see all that become a reality. I'm terrified to see you slowly lose your trust in me. I'm terrified you'll no longer care about me.

I'm sorry I couldn't be the best, I'm sorry for all the mistakes I've done and yet to be done. I'm sorry for not always make you smile. I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you wanted. I'm sorry for being me who's full of imperfection. I'm sorry you have to bear with me all this while.

thank you. thank you for stealing my heart. thank you for teaching me what is love. thank you for all the care you gave me whilst I'm growing up. thank you for being my biggest supporter. thank you for being my parents! yes, this very love letter here is for you my dear parents— zunaidah awang and rosly talib.

"to be a daughter you guys would be proud of is hard, but trust me— I'll never stop trying."

LOVE YOU GUYS TO THE MAX! (and SORRY and THANK YOU!)

2016, the starting line.

okay so this is a bit unfamiliar for me to say— but yes, I'm turning eighteen this year! EIGHTEEN! phew such a scary number. cause being eighteen mean, I am free from school and it's all about university now. yes, that's scared me! I'm going to face the real world and people would no longer be easy on me. everything is going to change and I, yasmin rosly have to swallow it.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. what will I do for a living? where should I go to pursue my dreams? what course suits me? will I be happy if I choose my passion over others? will I do well? what if I fail in the middle? what if there's nothing I'm good at? what if I ended up making my parents upset of me? um these questions are endless actually. they always lingering on my mind for quite some times to the point that I just want to cry my heart out and not think about it.

but of course, I can't control myself. the questions keep coming by itself. and I don't want to ruin my future just yet (haha¿) in fact— I want to do well. I want my children (if I get to marry someday) to be proud of their mum. I want them to see me as a close example to not ever give up on life. I want them to know that every hardship comes success (lols it sounds funny somehow) I want them to say to me that I'm the best mum in the world. and I want them to feel like it's worth it to work hard whenever they're thinking of me. yes that kind of thing.

so in order to make it a reality, I have to work hard now. I have to be very careful in making decisions for my life. no looking back. and that's for the best.

I've always love in writing. it just amazes me everytime, that words could give a big impact on us. so I was thinking maybe I should take tesl or linguistic and become a teacher, one of the most noble job on earth! but being a normal kid, I've always wanted to further my studies oversea just like my sisters (yes they are my biggest inspiration ever) but this dream of mine seems to be blurry cause this course really have a least opportunity to get scholarship oversea. we, malaysian could learn it just fine here. we don't need those international lecturers to teach us. we ourselves could provide such a good education for it. so maybe I don't get to study oversea like what I wanted. yes, of course I'm sad and all but I remember my mother once said,

"fina, kalau bukan sekarang mungkin masa nak ambil master nanti ke? so rilek je okay jangan putus asa,"

she simply told me that if I miss the chance now, inshaAllah there will be another chance coming up later. so just relax and don't ever think of giving up.

her words that moment really ease me a lot, I'm so thankful for having her as my mother. she knows how to make her daughter feels happy again. um thank you so much, mak! oh yeah forgot to mention— my mother is actually a teacher (her husband as well haha) so maybe I'll be the third one later? inshaAllah, pray for me you guys!

"keep going, you're doing good,"

we are strangers.

"it's weird. I feel much more occupied with strangers than my closed ones,"

have you ever experienced this? where you just couldn't find the joy you wanted from your closed ones that you started to chat with a group of stranger online and somehow you felt like you've known them since forever?

I've experienced this and I'm not embarrassed to say it. yes sometimes in life, we just feel like not in the mood to talk with our closed ones. it's just a problem within us, not them (of course) so it's not like I said our closed ones are unworthy or something. no okay, so chill.

there was this one time where I felt so really bored and I didn't know what to do that I ended up in some chatting group. I tried to be someone else by forgetting all things that happened in real life. someone who was more cheerful, more lively and more funny. and these three things seriously made my conversation with them more interesting and exciting at the same time. I laughed way too hard than I should. I showed to them how fun I could be so that they wouldn't be bored and kept on talking.

and truth is, I met bunch of cool people throughout this so-called-chatting-journey. they might hide their true identity there but somehow I could feel the sincerity in their words. it just amazed me everytime that happened. plus to my surprise— they could also catch up to my jokes way better than my closed ones though we didn't really know each other. so it didn't sounds awkward at all and we all knew we were having a fun time together, chatting. even in the simplest of things, we could turn it to a spotlight and our main topic.

but thank god I remembered my barrier and all that stuffs that I tried not to show any negativity during chatting. cause I know how much meaningful Islam is to me. I don't want to scratch its name. enough already with what have the world did to us, I still got my responsibility as a muslim— I have to take care of it and I'll never forget it, inshaAllah.

so whenever they saw my avatar (I wore hijab in that picture but I blurred out them so people couldn't see my face well) they became curious and asked me many kind of questions. though some of it are sort of rude ones, the rest are all good and I couldn't be happier receiving such questions about islam and have the opportunity to personally answer them. I felt like I'm indirectly giving dakwah to people and it was such an amazing experience!

that is why I never thought chatting online as a bad thing cause if we want it, we ourselves could make it positive and free from any unhealthy things. am I right?

"well chatting may not be your thing but it is to me and always will."